My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
