Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
