and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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