The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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