I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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