The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
