My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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