I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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