i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
