my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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