he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
