Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
