She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
