k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
