mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
