also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
