hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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