toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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