I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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