I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize