I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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