We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
