If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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