Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
