I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
