I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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