yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
