I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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