i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
