I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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