Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
