i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
