There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
