Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
