She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
3 2 1 whiskey
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
