my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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