Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
