My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
