On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
