70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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