I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just googled if crying burns calories
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
