I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
