I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
