whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Randomize
