His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
