youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
