can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
