Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
