R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
