i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
