No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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