I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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