chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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