I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
