what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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