if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
