A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
