went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
