Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
