a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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