I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
