I think my vagina is haunted
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
