im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
