If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
is that a dick in a sweater?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
