my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
