Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
