My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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